A draft that I'm not going to continue. From 5/13/15:
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the urge to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive is on the brink of overwhelming.
Today was one of those mornings.
I have yet to break out of the desire, but I'm working on it.
Are we ever really alive if we never want to escape it all?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Monday, May 11, 2015
Habitual Nourishment with Gusto
I do not actually like the word dieting in the way that means you
deprive yourself of a food that you will inevitably eat anyway and then feel
guilty for doing so.
I vote that we begin using the definition
of dieting found in Merriam Webster as definition number One B: Habitual
Nourishment.
This merely means that we form a habit around eating. Moreover,
habits are not typically filled with deprivation; habits are typically filled
with things we love to do repeatedly.
Sign me up!
A bit of truth here for you. Six
years ago, I was at a point where I had lost nearly one hundred pounds after the birth of my last child.
I was so proud of myself for my accomplishment. It had been a hard
2 years to lose that weight but not nearly as hard as the next six years would
be for me.
You know how they tell you that you will
gain weight when you go on vacation, when you are depressed, when you are
happy, when you start school or when you get older?
Well, I did all but one of those over the
next six years unless you count helping my kids with their homework as going to
school.
I "re" met my wife nearly six
years ago after having first met her ten years earlier. I was happy.
Exceedingly happy. And, I put on a good ten pounds.
Then we went on our first of what would
become at least an annual vacation and I gained another ten pounds.
By our first anniversary, I had put on a
total of twenty-five.
Over the course of our relationship, my
small business went belly up and my eldest daughter left home. Both of
these were things that depressed me and I added on even more weight.
Then I started training for obstacle course races like Spartan and Warrior Dash.
Then I started training for obstacle course races like Spartan and Warrior Dash.
I began doing P90X
and I was building muscle, toning my abs and I even recall one day when my
thighs did not touch any more.
I was five pounds away from where I had been at the start of my relationship!
I was five pounds away from where I had been at the start of my relationship!
Then I had a
snowball of obstacles: a foot injury, the discovery of a medical condition and
a car accident that stopped my training in its tracks.
Eventually I healed from both the foot
injury and the car accident and I got the medical condition under control.
By this time I had lost all the muscle tone I gained in my training and
instead I gained back another 30 pounds.
The ugly truth is
that I am currently heavier than I have ever been without the excuse of
pregnancy.
When I needed to get an entire new
wardrobe because nothing in my dresser fit anymore, I knew it was time for a
change.
For me, that change is both dietary and
activity driven. After reading a book called Grain Brain, I have chosen
to eliminate grains from my diet. It was a very scientific-y (that's totally a word) read and if you can either understand that or speed-read over what you don't understand, I highly recommend reading it as it was very eye-opening!
 |
| Grain Brain The Surprising Truth About What, Carbs and Sugar |
I have a Fitbit I have been using to
increase my daily steps, my wife and I have purchased the on-demand version of BeachBody so I can get back to exercising again and I have re-joined a Facebook page
that is only for women who train for obstacle course runs (OCR).
Going grain free is tough. But I got
this!
Plus, it does help that I have nearly
three years of gluten free dieting under my belt already so really I'm just adding rice
and oats to my I-no-longer-eat-that list.
I will continue to eat some millet and
corn for right now even though those are considered grains. I'm sure I will wean those
out of my diet eventually.
But I'm not giving up my beer! I
only have it a couple of times a year, and when I do, it's totally worth it.
Of course, it's gluten "free"... still made with barley but it
goes through a process that removes enough of the gluten that I have been able
to tolerate it without ill effects.
 |
| Omission Pale Ale |
And lucky me, I do not have to give up
wine. It's just old squished grapes! And those are delish!
Honestly, I drink
less than a bottle of wine per month...probably less than a bottle every two months. But, when I am really craving a
glass, I am glad I will be able to have it without thinking I'm going against
my goal.
Because I am of the mind that if I'm going to do this, I had better diet with gusto!
Because I am of the mind that if I'm going to do this, I had better diet with gusto!
Monday, April 13, 2015
My Traumatic Brain Injury - Part One
It all started with a sound that I thought was an explosion in the small art gallery on the other side of the intersection. I had been stopped at an angle, waiting for a woman to cross the street so I could turn right. It was about seven-thirty in the morning and I was on my way to work on December 28, 2004. The streets were slightly damp from an overnight rain. It was December, but too warm for ice on the road.
I tried to turn around to see what had happened behind me and discovered excruciating pain in what seemed like every part of my body.
I have no idea how much time passed between when I heard that sound and when I realized it was not an explosion. I know I was unconscious for a small amount of time. Probably not more than three minutes. Probably not less than one. At least that is what was deduced by the myriad of doctors I had closely following my care over the next two years.
My very small, late eighties vehicle that did not have airbags had been hit from behind by a truck that was going at least forty five miles per hour.
This is the first time I have ever written about my injury. At least, I think this is the first time I have written about it. You see, I can't be completely certain as my injury affected my ability to hold onto new memories.
I sustained what is called a coup contra coup concussion. In simple terms, this means that my head hit something and stopped moving, but my brain continued to bounce around inside my skull being bruised and battered on multiple spots.
With my particular injury, my head also bounced back from the first impact and hit something else, ping-ponging around yet again and being even more bruised.
My left frontal lobe was the most injured. I also sustained injuries in several other parts of my brain.
I took part in a study for people who had TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) as two of my doctors were heading up the study at the time of my injury. Dr. Gary A Stobbe and Dr. Jay M Uomoto. Here are the results of the study: PubMed
I did not realize how injured I was cognitively until a memory was brought back to me several days after the accident. I was told about a conversation I had with the EMT that was in the back of the ambulance with me. Apparently I commented on the way to the hospital about how he and I had the same cell phone.
I remembered nothing of it...until hours later when something began to niggle at my memories and it suddenly came flooding back at me. Well, sort of flooding. Only shades of the memory came flooding. Even so, it was completely shocking to have a memory seemingly appear out of nowhere. It exhausted me trying to gain more of the memory. I have never been able to grasp all of it even though it has been relayed to me verbatim.
You see, the frontal lobes control so very much of who we are. I changed from a passionate person into someone who was complacent. I cared about almost nothing. I couldn't remember any new information anyway. So I chose not to care anymore. I was supposed to move four days after the accident. I was leaving, divorcing my abusive spouse. As a result of the TBI, I ended up staying nearly four more years. I finally left almost seven years ago.
I'm now remarried to a loving spouse. We have been together for over five years now. However, our relationship struggles due to my TBI. I can have a conversation with my wife, make a mutual decision about something, walk into the next room and have absolutely no recollection of the conversation whatsoever. Quite literally ten seconds after. And then there are times when I remember conversations perfectly. There is no way for me to know if I will retain something. And if I have forgotten, there is no way for me to know that the conversation is lost to me unless it is brought up again.
There is a lot of "Did you call ___?" or "Did you email ___?" and I did not because I honestly did not know I said I would. So, I have to write things down. But I forget to write things down all too often. It is really quite tiring just trying to keep on top of day to day tasks.
At work, I have to keep a notepad open on my desktop with my "to do list" so I remember to get everything done each day. I add to it as the day goes on. And when I am interrupted, it's a crap-shoot as to if I will remember what I was doing. Hopefully I have an email open or a piece of paper in front of me to help jog my memory. There are days when I completely forget to do something. It is definitely a cause for anxiety.
I live by my calendars. I have my digital calendar that reminds me of anything for the day each morning and I have my book calendar that I have to check every day to see what is going on and make sure that my digital and book match each other. Because there are times when I forget to update one of them.
It has been ten years, three and a half months since my injury and I still struggle every single day.
I tried to turn around to see what had happened behind me and discovered excruciating pain in what seemed like every part of my body.
I have no idea how much time passed between when I heard that sound and when I realized it was not an explosion. I know I was unconscious for a small amount of time. Probably not more than three minutes. Probably not less than one. At least that is what was deduced by the myriad of doctors I had closely following my care over the next two years.
My very small, late eighties vehicle that did not have airbags had been hit from behind by a truck that was going at least forty five miles per hour.
This is the first time I have ever written about my injury. At least, I think this is the first time I have written about it. You see, I can't be completely certain as my injury affected my ability to hold onto new memories.
I sustained what is called a coup contra coup concussion. In simple terms, this means that my head hit something and stopped moving, but my brain continued to bounce around inside my skull being bruised and battered on multiple spots.
With my particular injury, my head also bounced back from the first impact and hit something else, ping-ponging around yet again and being even more bruised.
My left frontal lobe was the most injured. I also sustained injuries in several other parts of my brain.
I took part in a study for people who had TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) as two of my doctors were heading up the study at the time of my injury. Dr. Gary A Stobbe and Dr. Jay M Uomoto. Here are the results of the study: PubMed
I did not realize how injured I was cognitively until a memory was brought back to me several days after the accident. I was told about a conversation I had with the EMT that was in the back of the ambulance with me. Apparently I commented on the way to the hospital about how he and I had the same cell phone.
I remembered nothing of it...until hours later when something began to niggle at my memories and it suddenly came flooding back at me. Well, sort of flooding. Only shades of the memory came flooding. Even so, it was completely shocking to have a memory seemingly appear out of nowhere. It exhausted me trying to gain more of the memory. I have never been able to grasp all of it even though it has been relayed to me verbatim.
You see, the frontal lobes control so very much of who we are. I changed from a passionate person into someone who was complacent. I cared about almost nothing. I couldn't remember any new information anyway. So I chose not to care anymore. I was supposed to move four days after the accident. I was leaving, divorcing my abusive spouse. As a result of the TBI, I ended up staying nearly four more years. I finally left almost seven years ago.
I'm now remarried to a loving spouse. We have been together for over five years now. However, our relationship struggles due to my TBI. I can have a conversation with my wife, make a mutual decision about something, walk into the next room and have absolutely no recollection of the conversation whatsoever. Quite literally ten seconds after. And then there are times when I remember conversations perfectly. There is no way for me to know if I will retain something. And if I have forgotten, there is no way for me to know that the conversation is lost to me unless it is brought up again.
There is a lot of "Did you call ___?" or "Did you email ___?" and I did not because I honestly did not know I said I would. So, I have to write things down. But I forget to write things down all too often. It is really quite tiring just trying to keep on top of day to day tasks.
At work, I have to keep a notepad open on my desktop with my "to do list" so I remember to get everything done each day. I add to it as the day goes on. And when I am interrupted, it's a crap-shoot as to if I will remember what I was doing. Hopefully I have an email open or a piece of paper in front of me to help jog my memory. There are days when I completely forget to do something. It is definitely a cause for anxiety.
I live by my calendars. I have my digital calendar that reminds me of anything for the day each morning and I have my book calendar that I have to check every day to see what is going on and make sure that my digital and book match each other. Because there are times when I forget to update one of them.
It has been ten years, three and a half months since my injury and I still struggle every single day.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Straight Toward Wry
I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I cry on the shoulders of kings and of men.
I lift them up; put them together again.
We cannot feel when blind is awake.
We cannot see when life is at stake.
I climb and I claw down toward the sky.
I grasp the ropes; slip though try.
I retch and I bend; whimper in pain.
I bleed and I sob; come alive again.
I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I lean too far; fast to the ground.
I hear breaking; my last sound.
We cannot love when broken is time.
We cannot speak when art is crime.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I cry on the shoulders of kings and of men.
I lift them up; put them together again.
We cannot feel when blind is awake.
We cannot see when life is at stake.
I climb and I claw down toward the sky.
I grasp the ropes; slip though try.
I retch and I bend; whimper in pain.
I bleed and I sob; come alive again.
I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I lean too far; fast to the ground.
I hear breaking; my last sound.
We cannot love when broken is time.
We cannot speak when art is crime.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Empath
I see too much suffering; too much pain.
I am a sensitive soul and when those around me, close to me; my friends and loved ones suffer, I too suffer.
I too feel their pain.
I cannot watch the news. I cannot listen to the radio.
Not without causing suffering within myself.
I am a supportive person by nature.
When someone close to me is hurting, they tend to reach out to me. And I to them.
I don't mind being supportive. I don't mind lending an ear or a shoulder.
But it does cause suffering in me.
Sometimes I pull back from being that support person. I have to take care of myself or I become physically ill. My heart feels heavy. My mind unable to concentrate. My shoulders ache with the weight of their suffering.
And then I pull energy from Mother Nature and I am back on my feet again. Ready to shoulder the responsibility placed on me by Karma.
The responsibility of being an empath. Of being connected to the life force, energies and souls that roam this realm.
It is a gift and a curse. I also feel resounding joy for those who are going through something that makes them happy. When I massage my dogs hips and she is in bliss, my heart fills up. When one of my kids is proud of something they completed, I am overjoyed.
And I cannot imagine my life without this ability/responsibility.
I am a sensitive soul and when those around me, close to me; my friends and loved ones suffer, I too suffer.
I too feel their pain.
I cannot watch the news. I cannot listen to the radio.
Not without causing suffering within myself.
I am a supportive person by nature.
When someone close to me is hurting, they tend to reach out to me. And I to them.
I don't mind being supportive. I don't mind lending an ear or a shoulder.
But it does cause suffering in me.
Sometimes I pull back from being that support person. I have to take care of myself or I become physically ill. My heart feels heavy. My mind unable to concentrate. My shoulders ache with the weight of their suffering.
And then I pull energy from Mother Nature and I am back on my feet again. Ready to shoulder the responsibility placed on me by Karma.
The responsibility of being an empath. Of being connected to the life force, energies and souls that roam this realm.
It is a gift and a curse. I also feel resounding joy for those who are going through something that makes them happy. When I massage my dogs hips and she is in bliss, my heart fills up. When one of my kids is proud of something they completed, I am overjoyed.
And I cannot imagine my life without this ability/responsibility.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Mister Sandman
I suffer from insomnia. As my eyes look back and forth and I furrow my brow, I question if that is how that should be written. Is that the right introduction? Will that catch the attention of readers? Is insomnia really what I am here to write about today?
A few months ago I asked my friends on Facebook for suggestions for insomnia solutions. Yes, it does seem that I am here to write about insomnia. Ugh, how boring!
There were several suggestions for trying a multitude of herbs, pills, activities, the lack of activities, a routine at bedtime, a massage, acupuncture and even counting. Although no recommendations regarding the counting of sheep. I think I'm disappointed.
I have suffered from insomnia for nearly thirty years. Sometimes I fall asleep easily. Sometimes I stay up all night long. Sometimes I toss and turn or just lie there staring at the dark ceiling. Sometimes I get up and read, watch a movie, play a game, take a bath, wash some laundry, write or journal, sweep the floors, run circles around my cul-de-sac or just go sit on the front porch and listen to the quiet sounds of night.
I have tried so many pills both prescribed and over the counter, herbs, teas, tinctures, and routines that my head spins just thinking about them all. And nothing has worked. For a couple of days, sure... but the effect always, without fail, wears off after about two days. And then my insomnia is even worse.
Why does the sandman elude me? Or am I just one of those people that doesn't need as much sleep as "they" say? I seem to have survived thus far on sometimes two or three hours per night and sometimes ten or twelve. Is that my natural biorhythm?
Does my sleep pattern just differ from what medical science says is the norm? Or do I have a sleep deficit that causes me to catch cold easier and get the headaches from which I suffer? Does my sleep pattern cause my knees to ache, my waist line to widen and my concentration to be less than desired?
If I have never consistently obtained a pattern of sleep that is suggested, how would I know if things would be different if I did?
Mister Sandman, bring me a dream. Just make sure it is not a nightmare.
A few months ago I asked my friends on Facebook for suggestions for insomnia solutions. Yes, it does seem that I am here to write about insomnia. Ugh, how boring!
There were several suggestions for trying a multitude of herbs, pills, activities, the lack of activities, a routine at bedtime, a massage, acupuncture and even counting. Although no recommendations regarding the counting of sheep. I think I'm disappointed.
I have suffered from insomnia for nearly thirty years. Sometimes I fall asleep easily. Sometimes I stay up all night long. Sometimes I toss and turn or just lie there staring at the dark ceiling. Sometimes I get up and read, watch a movie, play a game, take a bath, wash some laundry, write or journal, sweep the floors, run circles around my cul-de-sac or just go sit on the front porch and listen to the quiet sounds of night.
I have tried so many pills both prescribed and over the counter, herbs, teas, tinctures, and routines that my head spins just thinking about them all. And nothing has worked. For a couple of days, sure... but the effect always, without fail, wears off after about two days. And then my insomnia is even worse.
Why does the sandman elude me? Or am I just one of those people that doesn't need as much sleep as "they" say? I seem to have survived thus far on sometimes two or three hours per night and sometimes ten or twelve. Is that my natural biorhythm?
Does my sleep pattern just differ from what medical science says is the norm? Or do I have a sleep deficit that causes me to catch cold easier and get the headaches from which I suffer? Does my sleep pattern cause my knees to ache, my waist line to widen and my concentration to be less than desired?
If I have never consistently obtained a pattern of sleep that is suggested, how would I know if things would be different if I did?
Mister Sandman, bring me a dream. Just make sure it is not a nightmare.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Unscripted Serendipity
I chose the title of this blog Unscripted Serendipity because though it is redundant, it spoke to me.
Life is unscripted no matter how much planning we put into it. And oh, how I love to plan. I enjoy planning so much that I searched long and hard for a planner that would meet my needs.
Then I so gratefully stumbled upon one that is a mere 400ish pages and spans an entire decade. Yes, ten years in one book. I never leave home without it.
If you are a planner like me, this incredible book can be found here.
It is sold as a journal, but I don't use it to journal, I use it to write in birthdays, appointments, upcoming vacations, work schedules, important events and anything I must not forget. Because not only do I love to plan, but I have the worst memory. I'll talk about that another day. Maybe. Eh, maybe not.
Life is also filled with serendipity. Some of us have to learn to look for serendipity. Yes, I realize that seems completely counter to the core definition of serendipity as it truly means to find something fortunate by accident. So how can you accidentally find something you are looking for? By quitting. Okay, okay so I am starting to make you think and you aren't here to think, you are here for entertainment just like anyone who reads a blog.
Well, I hope this little lesson will entertain you. Quit looking for things that are unfortunate. Quit expecting things to not work out. Quit seeing the clouds and the rain and the mud puddles and start seeing the shapes of the clouds, start enjoying the green grass that grows only because of the rain and start playing in the puddles. Or if you just can't see yourself jumping in a puddle, at least watch a bird enjoy one. But I highly recommend jumping outside your comfort level and at least stomping in the edge of a puddle.
If we allow life to provide us with moments where we just allow our well made plans to go awry, we just may end up finding serendipity looking us right in the face. And if you don't slow down enough to allow those plans to be flexible, that serendipity just might walk right on past you without a second glance.
Plan. Please, oh please do plan. There are far too many people out there just flying by the seat of their pants and that can cause incredible chaos in their lives and the lives of those around them. By all means plan.
Plan dinner, plan vacations, plan to do the laundry, plan to cut your hair, plan for your retirement. And within all of those, allow for flexibility.
If you burn your dinner, maybe you'll finally try that new recipe and discover a favourite you never knew you had.
If you miss your flight while heading to your vacation destination, maybe you will meet the love of your life in the airport.
If a new pair of black jeans accidentally gets tossed in with your favourite sweater, maybe you discover a new invention while searching for how to remove the stain and become financially independent.
If the stylist doesn't do the style you asked for, maybe you give someone else the confidence to try something new and your style grows out into a new one you love and would never have tried.
If your retirement needs to come earlier than you thought due to company restructuring, maybe the extra VIP you opted for will cover the unexpected expenses and you get to go to Maui.
I am not one hundred percent decided yet what this blog will be about, exactly. I guess that is why the title is perfect for what I am about to embark on... on what I am about to embark? One of those is right and they both sound wrong. Eh, I'm leaving it exactly like that.
Plan to let life happen. Keep your head up, your eyes open and your heart willing.
~Jess
Life is unscripted no matter how much planning we put into it. And oh, how I love to plan. I enjoy planning so much that I searched long and hard for a planner that would meet my needs.
Then I so gratefully stumbled upon one that is a mere 400ish pages and spans an entire decade. Yes, ten years in one book. I never leave home without it.
If you are a planner like me, this incredible book can be found here.
It is sold as a journal, but I don't use it to journal, I use it to write in birthdays, appointments, upcoming vacations, work schedules, important events and anything I must not forget. Because not only do I love to plan, but I have the worst memory. I'll talk about that another day. Maybe. Eh, maybe not.
Life is also filled with serendipity. Some of us have to learn to look for serendipity. Yes, I realize that seems completely counter to the core definition of serendipity as it truly means to find something fortunate by accident. So how can you accidentally find something you are looking for? By quitting. Okay, okay so I am starting to make you think and you aren't here to think, you are here for entertainment just like anyone who reads a blog.
Well, I hope this little lesson will entertain you. Quit looking for things that are unfortunate. Quit expecting things to not work out. Quit seeing the clouds and the rain and the mud puddles and start seeing the shapes of the clouds, start enjoying the green grass that grows only because of the rain and start playing in the puddles. Or if you just can't see yourself jumping in a puddle, at least watch a bird enjoy one. But I highly recommend jumping outside your comfort level and at least stomping in the edge of a puddle.
If we allow life to provide us with moments where we just allow our well made plans to go awry, we just may end up finding serendipity looking us right in the face. And if you don't slow down enough to allow those plans to be flexible, that serendipity just might walk right on past you without a second glance.
Plan. Please, oh please do plan. There are far too many people out there just flying by the seat of their pants and that can cause incredible chaos in their lives and the lives of those around them. By all means plan.
Plan dinner, plan vacations, plan to do the laundry, plan to cut your hair, plan for your retirement. And within all of those, allow for flexibility.
If you burn your dinner, maybe you'll finally try that new recipe and discover a favourite you never knew you had.
If you miss your flight while heading to your vacation destination, maybe you will meet the love of your life in the airport.
If a new pair of black jeans accidentally gets tossed in with your favourite sweater, maybe you discover a new invention while searching for how to remove the stain and become financially independent.
If the stylist doesn't do the style you asked for, maybe you give someone else the confidence to try something new and your style grows out into a new one you love and would never have tried.
If your retirement needs to come earlier than you thought due to company restructuring, maybe the extra VIP you opted for will cover the unexpected expenses and you get to go to Maui.
I am not one hundred percent decided yet what this blog will be about, exactly. I guess that is why the title is perfect for what I am about to embark on... on what I am about to embark? One of those is right and they both sound wrong. Eh, I'm leaving it exactly like that.
Plan to let life happen. Keep your head up, your eyes open and your heart willing.
~Jess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)