My Traumatic Brain Injury - Part One

It all started with a sound that I thought was an explosion in the small art gallery on the other side of the intersection.  I had been stopped at an angle, waiting for a woman to cross the street so I could turn right.  It was about seven-thirty in the morning and I was on my way to work on December 28, 2004.  The streets were slightly damp from an overnight rain.  It was December, but too warm for ice on the road.

I tried to turn around to see what had happened behind me and discovered excruciating pain in what seemed like every part of my body.

I have no idea how much time passed between when I heard that sound and when I realized it was not an explosion.  I know I was unconscious for a small amount of time.  Probably not more than three minutes.  Probably not less than one.  At least that is what was deduced by the myriad of doctors I had closely following my care over the next two years.

My very small, late eighties vehicle that did not have airbags had been hit from behind by a truck that was going at least forty five miles per hour.

This is the first time I have ever written about my injury.  At least, I think this is the first time I have written about it.  You see, I can't be completely certain as my injury affected my ability to hold onto new memories.

I sustained what is called a coup contra coup concussion.  In simple terms, this means that my head hit something and stopped moving, but my brain continued to bounce around inside my skull being bruised and battered on multiple spots.

With my particular injury, my head also bounced back from the first impact and hit something else, ping-ponging around yet again and being even more bruised.

My left frontal lobe was the most injured.  I also sustained injuries in several other parts of my brain.
I took part in a study for people who had TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) as two of my doctors were heading up the study at the time of my injury.  Dr. Gary A Stobbe and Dr. Jay M Uomoto.  Here are the results of the study:  PubMed

I did not realize how injured I was cognitively until a memory was brought back to me several days after the accident.  I was told about a conversation I had with the EMT that was in the back of the ambulance with me.  Apparently I commented on the way to the hospital about how he and I had the same cell phone.

I remembered nothing of it...until hours later when something began to niggle at my memories and it suddenly came flooding back at me.  Well, sort of flooding.  Only shades of the memory came flooding.  Even so, it was completely shocking to have a memory seemingly appear out of nowhere.  It exhausted me trying to gain more of the memory.  I have never been able to grasp all of it even though it has been relayed to me verbatim.

You see, the frontal lobes control so very much of who we are.  I changed from a passionate person into someone who was complacent.  I cared about almost nothing.  I couldn't remember any new information anyway.  So I chose not to care anymore.  I was supposed to move four days after the accident.  I was leaving, divorcing my abusive spouse.  As a result of the TBI, I ended up staying nearly four more years.  I finally left almost seven years ago.

I'm now remarried to a loving spouse.  We have been together for over five years now.  However, our relationship struggles due to my TBI.  I can have a conversation with my wife, make a mutual decision about something, walk into the next room and have absolutely no recollection of the conversation whatsoever.  Quite literally ten seconds after.  And then there are times when I remember conversations perfectly.  There is no way for me to know if I will retain something.  And if I have forgotten, there is no way for me to know that the conversation is lost to me unless it is brought up again.

There is a lot of "Did you call ___?"  or "Did you email ___?" and I did not because I honestly did not know I said I would.  So, I have to write things down.  But I forget to write things down all too often.  It is really quite tiring just trying to keep on top of day to day tasks.

At work, I have to keep a notepad open on my desktop with my "to do list" so I remember to get everything done each day.  I add to it as the day goes on.  And when I am interrupted, it's a crap-shoot as to if I will remember what I was doing.  Hopefully I have an email open or a piece of paper in front of me to help jog my memory.  There are days when I completely forget to do something.  It is definitely a cause for anxiety.

I live by my calendars.  I have my digital calendar that reminds me of anything for the day each morning and I have my book calendar that I have to check every day to see what is going on and make sure that my digital and book match each other.  Because there are times when I forget to update one of them.

It has been ten years, three and a half months since my injury and I still struggle every single day.

Straight Toward Wry

I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I cry on the shoulders of kings and of men.
I lift them up; put them together again.

We cannot feel when blind is awake.
We cannot see when life is at stake.

I climb and I claw down toward the sky.
I grasp the ropes; slip though try.
I retch and I bend; whimper in pain.
I bleed and I sob; come alive again.

I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I lean too far; fast to the ground.
I hear breaking; my last sound.

We cannot love when broken is time.
We cannot speak when art is crime.

Unscripted Serendipity

I chose the title of this blog Unscripted Serendipity because though it is redundant, it spoke to me.

Life is unscripted no matter how much planning we put into it.  And oh, how I love to plan.  I enjoy planning so much that I searched long and hard for a planner that would meet my needs.
Then I so gratefully stumbled upon one that is a mere 400ish pages and spans an entire decade.  Yes, ten years in one book.  I never leave home without it.
If you are a planner like me, this incredible book can be found here.

It is sold as a journal, but I don't use it to journal, I use it to write in birthdays, appointments, upcoming vacations, work schedules, important events and anything I must not forget.  Because not only do I love to plan, but I have the worst memory.  I'll talk about that another day.  Maybe.  Eh, maybe not.

Life is also filled with serendipity.  Some of us have to learn to look for serendipity.  Yes, I realize that seems completely counter to the core definition of serendipity as it truly means to find something fortunate by accident.  So how can you accidentally find something you are looking for?  By quitting.  Okay, okay so I am starting to make you think and you aren't here to think, you are here for entertainment just like anyone who reads a blog.

Well, I hope this little lesson will entertain you.  Quit looking for things that are unfortunate.  Quit expecting things to not work out.  Quit seeing the clouds and the rain and the mud puddles and start seeing the shapes of the clouds, start enjoying the green grass that grows only because of the rain and start playing in the puddles.  Or if you just can't see yourself jumping in a puddle, at least watch a bird enjoy one.  But I highly recommend jumping outside your comfort level and at least stomping in the edge of a puddle.

If we allow life to provide us with moments where we just allow our well made plans to go awry, we just may end up finding serendipity looking us right in the face.  And if you don't slow down enough to allow those plans to be flexible, that serendipity just might walk right on past you without a second glance.

Plan.  Please, oh please do plan.  There are far too many people out there just flying by the seat of their pants and that can cause incredible chaos in their lives and the lives of those around them.  By all means plan.

Plan dinner, plan vacations, plan to do the laundry, plan to cut your hair, plan for your retirement.  And within all of those, allow for flexibility.

If you burn your dinner, maybe you'll finally try that new recipe and discover a favourite you never knew you had.
If you miss your flight while heading to your vacation destination, maybe you will meet the love of your life in the airport.
If a new pair of black jeans accidentally gets tossed in with your favourite sweater, maybe you discover a new invention while searching for how to remove the stain and become financially independent.
If the stylist doesn't do the style you asked for, maybe you give someone else the confidence to try something new and your style grows out into a new one you love and would never have tried.
If your retirement needs to come earlier than you thought due to company restructuring, maybe the extra VIP you opted for will cover the unexpected expenses and you get to go to Maui.

I am not one hundred percent decided yet what this blog will be about, exactly.  I guess that is why the title is perfect for what I am about to embark on... on what I am about to embark?  One of those is right and they both sound wrong.  Eh, I'm leaving it exactly like that.

Plan to let life happen.  Keep your head up, your eyes open and your heart willing.

~Jess