My Traumatic Brain Injury - Part One

It all started with a sound that I thought was an explosion in the small art gallery on the other side of the intersection.  I had been stopped at an angle, waiting for a woman to cross the street so I could turn right.  It was about seven-thirty in the morning and I was on my way to work on December 28, 2004.  The streets were slightly damp from an overnight rain.  It was December, but too warm for ice on the road.

I tried to turn around to see what had happened behind me and discovered excruciating pain in what seemed like every part of my body.

I have no idea how much time passed between when I heard that sound and when I realized it was not an explosion.  I know I was unconscious for a small amount of time.  Probably not more than three minutes.  Probably not less than one.  At least that is what was deduced by the myriad of doctors I had closely following my care over the next two years.

My very small, late eighties vehicle that did not have airbags had been hit from behind by a truck that was going at least forty five miles per hour.

This is the first time I have ever written about my injury.  At least, I think this is the first time I have written about it.  You see, I can't be completely certain as my injury affected my ability to hold onto new memories.

I sustained what is called a coup contra coup concussion.  In simple terms, this means that my head hit something and stopped moving, but my brain continued to bounce around inside my skull being bruised and battered on multiple spots.

With my particular injury, my head also bounced back from the first impact and hit something else, ping-ponging around yet again and being even more bruised.

My left frontal lobe was the most injured.  I also sustained injuries in several other parts of my brain.
I took part in a study for people who had TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) as two of my doctors were heading up the study at the time of my injury.  Dr. Gary A Stobbe and Dr. Jay M Uomoto.  Here are the results of the study:  PubMed

I did not realize how injured I was cognitively until a memory was brought back to me several days after the accident.  I was told about a conversation I had with the EMT that was in the back of the ambulance with me.  Apparently I commented on the way to the hospital about how he and I had the same cell phone.

I remembered nothing of it...until hours later when something began to niggle at my memories and it suddenly came flooding back at me.  Well, sort of flooding.  Only shades of the memory came flooding.  Even so, it was completely shocking to have a memory seemingly appear out of nowhere.  It exhausted me trying to gain more of the memory.  I have never been able to grasp all of it even though it has been relayed to me verbatim.

You see, the frontal lobes control so very much of who we are.  I changed from a passionate person into someone who was complacent.  I cared about almost nothing.  I couldn't remember any new information anyway.  So I chose not to care anymore.  I was supposed to move four days after the accident.  I was leaving, divorcing my abusive spouse.  As a result of the TBI, I ended up staying nearly four more years.  I finally left almost seven years ago.

I'm now remarried to a loving spouse.  We have been together for over five years now.  However, our relationship struggles due to my TBI.  I can have a conversation with my wife, make a mutual decision about something, walk into the next room and have absolutely no recollection of the conversation whatsoever.  Quite literally ten seconds after.  And then there are times when I remember conversations perfectly.  There is no way for me to know if I will retain something.  And if I have forgotten, there is no way for me to know that the conversation is lost to me unless it is brought up again.

There is a lot of "Did you call ___?"  or "Did you email ___?" and I did not because I honestly did not know I said I would.  So, I have to write things down.  But I forget to write things down all too often.  It is really quite tiring just trying to keep on top of day to day tasks.

At work, I have to keep a notepad open on my desktop with my "to do list" so I remember to get everything done each day.  I add to it as the day goes on.  And when I am interrupted, it's a crap-shoot as to if I will remember what I was doing.  Hopefully I have an email open or a piece of paper in front of me to help jog my memory.  There are days when I completely forget to do something.  It is definitely a cause for anxiety.

I live by my calendars.  I have my digital calendar that reminds me of anything for the day each morning and I have my book calendar that I have to check every day to see what is going on and make sure that my digital and book match each other.  Because there are times when I forget to update one of them.

It has been ten years, three and a half months since my injury and I still struggle every single day.

Mister Sandman

I suffer from insomnia.  As my eyes look back and forth and I furrow my brow, I question if that is how that should be written.  Is that the right introduction?  Will that catch the attention of readers?  Is insomnia really what I am here to write about today?

A few months ago I asked my friends on Facebook for suggestions for insomnia solutions.  Yes, it does seem that I am here to write about insomnia.  Ugh, how boring!  

There were several suggestions for trying a multitude of herbs, pills, activities, the lack of activities, a routine at bedtime, a massage, acupuncture and even counting.  Although no recommendations regarding the counting of sheep.  I think I'm disappointed.

I have suffered from insomnia for nearly thirty years.  Sometimes I fall asleep easily.  Sometimes I stay up all night long.  Sometimes I toss and turn or just lie there staring at the dark ceiling.  Sometimes I get up and read, watch a movie, play a game, take a bath, wash some laundry, write or journal, sweep the floors, run circles around my cul-de-sac or just go sit on the front porch and listen to the quiet sounds of night.

I have tried so many pills both prescribed and over the counter, herbs, teas, tinctures, and routines that my head spins just thinking about them all.  And nothing has worked.  For a couple of days, sure... but the effect always, without fail, wears off after about two days.  And then my insomnia is even worse.

Why does the sandman elude me?  Or am I just one of those people that doesn't need as much sleep as "they" say?  I seem to have survived thus far on sometimes two or three hours per night and sometimes ten or twelve.  Is that my natural biorhythm?

Does my sleep pattern just differ from what medical science says is the norm?  Or do I have a sleep deficit that causes me to catch cold easier and get the headaches from which I suffer?  Does my sleep pattern cause my knees to ache, my waist line to widen and my concentration to be less than desired?

If I have never consistently obtained a pattern of sleep that is suggested, how would I know if things would be different if I did?

Mister Sandman, bring me a dream.  Just make sure it is not a nightmare.