Straight Toward Wry

I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I cry on the shoulders of kings and of men.
I lift them up; put them together again.

We cannot feel when blind is awake.
We cannot see when life is at stake.

I climb and I claw down toward the sky.
I grasp the ropes; slip though try.
I retch and I bend; whimper in pain.
I bleed and I sob; come alive again.

I am boisterously quiet; unabashedly shy.
I ease through anxiety; straight toward wry.
I lean too far; fast to the ground.
I hear breaking; my last sound.

We cannot love when broken is time.
We cannot speak when art is crime.

Empath

I see too much suffering; too much pain.
I am a sensitive soul and when those around me, close to me; my friends and loved ones suffer, I too suffer.
I too feel their pain.
I cannot watch the news.  I cannot listen to the radio.
Not without causing suffering within myself.

I am a supportive person by nature.
When someone close to me is hurting, they tend to reach out to me.  And I to them.
I don't mind being supportive.  I don't mind lending an ear or a shoulder.
But it does cause suffering in me.

Sometimes I pull back from being that support person.  I have to take care of myself or I become physically ill.  My heart feels heavy.  My mind unable to concentrate.  My shoulders ache with the weight of their suffering.

And then I pull energy from Mother Nature and I am back on my feet again.  Ready to shoulder the responsibility placed on me by Karma.

The responsibility of being an empath.  Of being connected to the life force, energies and souls that roam this realm.

It is a gift and a curse.  I also feel resounding joy for those who are going through something that makes them happy.  When I massage my dogs hips and she is in bliss, my heart fills up.  When one of my kids is proud of something they completed, I am overjoyed.

And I cannot imagine my life without this ability/responsibility.

Mister Sandman

I suffer from insomnia.  As my eyes look back and forth and I furrow my brow, I question if that is how that should be written.  Is that the right introduction?  Will that catch the attention of readers?  Is insomnia really what I am here to write about today?

A few months ago I asked my friends on Facebook for suggestions for insomnia solutions.  Yes, it does seem that I am here to write about insomnia.  Ugh, how boring!  

There were several suggestions for trying a multitude of herbs, pills, activities, the lack of activities, a routine at bedtime, a massage, acupuncture and even counting.  Although no recommendations regarding the counting of sheep.  I think I'm disappointed.

I have suffered from insomnia for nearly thirty years.  Sometimes I fall asleep easily.  Sometimes I stay up all night long.  Sometimes I toss and turn or just lie there staring at the dark ceiling.  Sometimes I get up and read, watch a movie, play a game, take a bath, wash some laundry, write or journal, sweep the floors, run circles around my cul-de-sac or just go sit on the front porch and listen to the quiet sounds of night.

I have tried so many pills both prescribed and over the counter, herbs, teas, tinctures, and routines that my head spins just thinking about them all.  And nothing has worked.  For a couple of days, sure... but the effect always, without fail, wears off after about two days.  And then my insomnia is even worse.

Why does the sandman elude me?  Or am I just one of those people that doesn't need as much sleep as "they" say?  I seem to have survived thus far on sometimes two or three hours per night and sometimes ten or twelve.  Is that my natural biorhythm?

Does my sleep pattern just differ from what medical science says is the norm?  Or do I have a sleep deficit that causes me to catch cold easier and get the headaches from which I suffer?  Does my sleep pattern cause my knees to ache, my waist line to widen and my concentration to be less than desired?

If I have never consistently obtained a pattern of sleep that is suggested, how would I know if things would be different if I did?

Mister Sandman, bring me a dream.  Just make sure it is not a nightmare.

Unscripted Serendipity

I chose the title of this blog Unscripted Serendipity because though it is redundant, it spoke to me.

Life is unscripted no matter how much planning we put into it.  And oh, how I love to plan.  I enjoy planning so much that I searched long and hard for a planner that would meet my needs.
Then I so gratefully stumbled upon one that is a mere 400ish pages and spans an entire decade.  Yes, ten years in one book.  I never leave home without it.
If you are a planner like me, this incredible book can be found here.

It is sold as a journal, but I don't use it to journal, I use it to write in birthdays, appointments, upcoming vacations, work schedules, important events and anything I must not forget.  Because not only do I love to plan, but I have the worst memory.  I'll talk about that another day.  Maybe.  Eh, maybe not.

Life is also filled with serendipity.  Some of us have to learn to look for serendipity.  Yes, I realize that seems completely counter to the core definition of serendipity as it truly means to find something fortunate by accident.  So how can you accidentally find something you are looking for?  By quitting.  Okay, okay so I am starting to make you think and you aren't here to think, you are here for entertainment just like anyone who reads a blog.

Well, I hope this little lesson will entertain you.  Quit looking for things that are unfortunate.  Quit expecting things to not work out.  Quit seeing the clouds and the rain and the mud puddles and start seeing the shapes of the clouds, start enjoying the green grass that grows only because of the rain and start playing in the puddles.  Or if you just can't see yourself jumping in a puddle, at least watch a bird enjoy one.  But I highly recommend jumping outside your comfort level and at least stomping in the edge of a puddle.

If we allow life to provide us with moments where we just allow our well made plans to go awry, we just may end up finding serendipity looking us right in the face.  And if you don't slow down enough to allow those plans to be flexible, that serendipity just might walk right on past you without a second glance.

Plan.  Please, oh please do plan.  There are far too many people out there just flying by the seat of their pants and that can cause incredible chaos in their lives and the lives of those around them.  By all means plan.

Plan dinner, plan vacations, plan to do the laundry, plan to cut your hair, plan for your retirement.  And within all of those, allow for flexibility.

If you burn your dinner, maybe you'll finally try that new recipe and discover a favourite you never knew you had.
If you miss your flight while heading to your vacation destination, maybe you will meet the love of your life in the airport.
If a new pair of black jeans accidentally gets tossed in with your favourite sweater, maybe you discover a new invention while searching for how to remove the stain and become financially independent.
If the stylist doesn't do the style you asked for, maybe you give someone else the confidence to try something new and your style grows out into a new one you love and would never have tried.
If your retirement needs to come earlier than you thought due to company restructuring, maybe the extra VIP you opted for will cover the unexpected expenses and you get to go to Maui.

I am not one hundred percent decided yet what this blog will be about, exactly.  I guess that is why the title is perfect for what I am about to embark on... on what I am about to embark?  One of those is right and they both sound wrong.  Eh, I'm leaving it exactly like that.

Plan to let life happen.  Keep your head up, your eyes open and your heart willing.

~Jess